<< with the birds i'll share this lonely view >>
Tuesday, Dec. 17, 2002, 9:29 a.m.

the smell of cigarette smoke made me feel nauseated--but the palm trees! the palm trees mixed with the yellow and orange sky were heart-stirring. we drove & i wanted to speak or cry or scream or run or smile or...anything. instead, i sat & i stared & i kept quiet, waiting in my silence.

sean sat in the driver's side keeping his eyes on the road. i questioned, analyzed, strived to understand him, this man, my father. but, whatever energy i put forth in trying to figure him out, i was left empty. it's so difficult for me to grasp that this man with the big blue eyes, deep voice, & childish ways is my father. (everyone has one, & why is that so hard to understand? i...don't know.)

we drove around miami, noticing the perfect pink buildings and the synthetically beautiful people--girls with blonde hair & golden skin & a size two. i stared & thought, maybe i'll sell myself out & be synthetically beautiful, too. i could, you know. who needs to be real anyway?

we got a motel by the ocean side. we talked for hours. he told me who he was, who my mom was, who i am. it's all insane, really.

&...i'm so angry. and tired. i just...don't want to be a part of this madness anymore. but! i'm running away to spain soon. so, i'm not too worried.

anyway, i'm back in tampa. not at my aunts, but at bart's big house. his dog rudy is being a little wild. i still can't believe i've gotten paid for this. i'm so spoiled.

i guess jules and lydee are on their way to florida now. yay!

i should go clean up now.

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